Dear You,
It's been over a year since we last exchanged a word and telling you that I don't miss you at all would be a gigantic lie. I miss everything we were, everything we had, everything we used to do. I miss who you are, because I need someone like that in my life. And maybe some days when you're alone, laying on your bed, unable to sleep, you remember me, and you wonder how we ever drifted apart, how we ever lost that bond that made us so strong. Maybe you're in denial, maybe you don't want to admit to yourself that what we had was something really special. We were a movie, honey, we were beautiful. But like all beautiful things, what we had was also really painful and sometimes when I look back I'm somehow glad it all is over because as much as you made me feel so good and so happy at times you also made me miserable at some points, and I'm pretty sure you feel the same about me.
We were so young, and to this day I'm still sure that had we met later on in our lives we woud have had somethng special that would have lasted. But maybe it was fate, call it whatever you like, we were just destined to be a tragedy and when I think about you, I still wish we could have a second chance. But it's life, you don't get second chances at all, and particularly not when it comes to love. That's how it's supposed to be. Maybe some day our paths will cross again and there still will be feelings. Maybe not. I used to see a future for us, we used to joke about how we would name our kids but it felt all so real, all so good. Never in my life have I felt that way. You were my first love. The only one so far. And I don't think many people have actually been through such a strong relationship at such a young age. And we never even were really together.
I was fifteen when I met you and I was a little lost, and I just needed a friends, and indeed, we became friends. Best friends. We spent 2 hours on the phone every single night, pretending to work on our math exam but actually doing nothing of the sort, just talking, having fun. Then things happen, time passed, people came in between. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget our first kiss. Because for the first time in my life I felt accepted, wanted and loved. And because I suddenly realised I was worth feeling like that and I was worth being treated like I was worthy of love, and I'll never thank you enough for it. You really tried your best to pretend you didn't like me in the slightest, that you didn't feel anything for me, but no matter how hard you tried, I've always been able to read you like a book. You could have looked me dead in the eyes and told me you hated me, I wouldn't have believed you. And it was the same the other way around.
You knew I would never be able to unlove you as long as you kept me close. And you played with me, you sure did. I won't forgive you for how you mistreated my heart, for how inconsiderate you were with my feelings. But there was always that light between us, that part of us that made us lift each other higher. Never before you had I ever felt beautiful in anyone else's eyes. And to this day I am yet to find someone who will make me feel the same. You changed my life in so many ways, more thant I could ever admit, because you were there when I needed someone to pick me up. You prevented me from hurting myself and you were here to talk to me when I just needed some random late night chit chat to make me feel like I wasn't totally irrelevant.
Sometimes I wonder if I mattered even half as much to you. I wasn't the first girl in your life. Maybe I was the first one you really loved but I guess we'll never know that. I hope I made a difference in your life and I hope I showed you you deserve better than those girls who like you only based on what you look like. I hope I managed to show you that you, too, were worth being loved, because I'm not sure you were convinced of that before you met me. I knew you better than anybody else knew you and I could hear you smile over the phone. I remember how you used to fake being upset when I told you "I can hear you smile". We made memories, and I don't think they will ever fade. I still shiver sometimes when some guy I meet wears your perfume. And sometimes I catch my mind wandering and thinking about you, not like you think about some kindergarten friend, but like you think about something that really changed you.
It's been 5 years since I met you. It's been almost two years since I've moved on from you, since I've accepted that distance and time got the best of us and that now, we're nothing. But thank you for the impact you had in my life, and most importantly don't forget me. I sure won't forget you, and there always wil be room for you in my heart. I will always have that soft spot you keep for your first love. Because that's what you were. My first love. And that's what you will stay.
Always yours,
Louise
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