On that band that will never love me the way I love them

I used to hide them. To pretend like they weren't here and to listen to them secretely. It's not really acceptable to like a bubblegum pop band when you're not even a teenager anymore. It's not really easy for your friends to understand that that band has actually somewhat taken over your life, that you promote them till ungodly hours, that you wake up in the middle of the night to watch livechats, that you freak out when there's good news, that you send them fanmail. I thought I'd never get past this "mildly ashamed" phase. And then I understood that something that made me happy was nothing to be ashamed of.

They arrived in my life at a point where I was in some sort of transition. Everything was changing around me, really quickly, and I was experiencing some serious change myself, and had to deal with some serious unresolved issues. I was getting really caught up in things that shouldn't have mattered so much and I was just really having a hard time. I had been having it hard for a while. And it was not even close to being over. They became my escape. My bit of perfect that made me forget everything around me. They were literally so different from me and it was so strange that I could yet relate to them and see bits of myself in them. And after a rocky year, I started becoming obsessed and interacting with the fandom. I went through the worst year in my life thanks to them. I was all alone and lost in the depth of depression and I wouldn't open up to anyone in real life, because I was ashamed and I didn't want to disappoint anyone. So to your dirty looks and to your judgmental comments when I like something Cimorelli-related on Facebook, my one and only answer will be "They were here when you weren't. When no one was."

Recently I was talking about what I do for them (promotion, the update account, everything...) with a friend I trust, and she told me "I don't know how you do that, they will never know you exist, they'll never love you like you do."And after being stunned for a few seconds, I realise she was perfectly right but that I knew that all along. I mean, it's not like they tricked me into believing they'd love me more if I did that. I started promoting for all the good reasons, because I believe in them and because I want them to reach out, because I believe they deserve it. And of course, they'll never love me as much as I love them, but I'm pretty convinced they do love me, just like they actually do love all their fans. And even if some day they decide to stop the band, and even if they never reach the success I wish for them, and even it all stops all of a sudden, I will NEVER regret what I've done, and how much I've loved them. Because it taught me so much about passion, about dedication, about people, and about myself.

We're so lucky, you know. So lucky for stumbling upon such great and caring girls. They dedicate SO MUCH of their (very rare) free time to talking to us and making us feel loved, it's actually quite unbelievable. And sometimes I get mad, sometimes I yell and voice my opinion loudly, because it genuinely hurts me when I see that in spite of all the efforts they make, some of you still feel unloved. That's the problem with love, it's like a drug, the more you have it, the more you want it. And I confess, I'm addicted to their love, too. But I think we always need to keep in mind how privileged we all are. And whoever is saying, like it has been said recently, that we're all delusional and that they don't care one bit about us, I'd advise them to just take a step back and look at the evidence. Actions have always spoken louder than words and it's not a secret for anyone that they do tweet, DM, Skype, and write letters to fans regularly, if not every day. And I, of all people, can tell you that sometimes just one word can brighten your day, change it radically. And of course they probably don't even realise how much of an impact they have on us, but is that really important? They love us, guys, I promise you they do.

So here's to you, my favorite band, my six californian girls. You will never be able to comprehend how much you matter for me and I think it's better this way. Some day we'll meet and I'll just casually try not to choke you while I hug you. I will try to make you feel through a hug and a few words how thankful I am for your existence. Christina, I think you know what I have to say thank you for. But that's not the only thing. I think you need to be thanked repeteadly for how great of a leader you are, for how dedicated and stubborn (yes it's a quality in my book ok) you are. And for all the things about you that you try to hide but can't, like how kind hearted and caring you are. Kath, I don't think you realise how brighter my world is thanks to your smile. Your poetry keeps inspiring me and you're such a beautiful soul, you don't even get half the credit you deserve for that. I can't wait for the day you get to use my baking pan (and I hope some day you'll cook something for me, but that's because I'm greedy and selfish). Lisa, sweet Lisa, how bright you shine. You know, I really hope you realise FULLY how unbelievable you are. You're talented in every way possible and what you do to make people happy everyday deserves admiration. You DESERVE IT girl, never think otherwise. Amy, little cutie pie, you sharing your experience with us is something I'm so grateful for. Your personality makes me so happy and I can't wait to meet you in person so we can bond over being both short and ocasionally a little too loud oh please may this day come soon. Lauren, darling, you're gonna make them all fall for you and that's not even going to be fair for your competition. Because in addition to your looks, you have the personality, the charisma, you have the stage presence, you go lolo you got the power, go mesmerise them all. Dani, please tell me I'm mistaken and you're not 13 I just can't understand how a thirteen year old can be so talented and beautiful but also so wise. You know, I truly believe you're one VERY special person and just because not everyone can see that yet doesn't mean it's not true. Keep doing your thing, you're doing amazing. I love you all to the point it's barely believable.

Sometimes I just sit back and wonder if I'm ever gonna meet you. Sometimes I just tell myself I'm never going to meet you. Being an international fan is never easy, because really, there's no guarantee you'll ever come, and there's no guarantee that if you do people will actually get a chance to meet you. But I'm willing to live on that hypothesis. Because I know if this day actually happens, if I ever get to hug you all, even if it's just for 10 seconds, I will remember that day forever. I could never repay you. For how better my life has been since you've arrived. I met new, amazing people thanks to you. I learnt many things about myself, and I realised many things about life in general. And you know what's best? I'm not the only one who experienced that, you have that magic power that makes people feel so much better, you have that way to spread love and happiness that is yours and works everytime. So, please, don't ever feel bad if you aren't able to answer anymore. Please don't let those petty tweets that you see everyday get to you. You will never be the kind of people who don't care, and you know it. And deep down, everyone does too.

So I will let them all speak. I will let them criticise every single thing I listen to. I will let them criticise how often I talk about you. I will let them make fun of me for liking a bubblegum pop band. I will keep calm when they tell me you're just one more disney like band whatsoever because I know on the long term you'll prove them wrong. I will let them judge me all they want for you making me happy. I will smile and keep going, promoting, supporting, listening, loving you.

I used to hide them. To pretend like they weren't here and to listen to them secretely. But that's not what I wan't to do anymore. Because I found out thanks to them, that love isn't something to be ashamed of.