[30 Letters Challenge, Day 7] To My Ex-love

Dear You,

It's been over a year since we last exchanged a word and telling you that I don't miss you at all would be a gigantic lie. I miss everything we were, everything we had, everything we used to do. I miss who you are, because I need someone like that in my life. And maybe some days when you're alone, laying on your bed, unable to sleep, you remember me, and you wonder how we ever drifted apart, how we ever lost that bond that made us so strong. Maybe you're in denial, maybe you don't want to admit to yourself that what we had was something really special. We were a movie, honey, we were beautiful. But like all beautiful things, what we had was also really painful and sometimes when I look back I'm somehow glad it all is over because as much as you made me feel so good and so happy at times you also made me miserable at some points, and I'm pretty sure you feel the same about me.

We were so young, and to this day I'm still sure that had we met later on in our lives we woud have had somethng special that would have lasted. But maybe it was fate, call it whatever you like, we were just destined to be a tragedy and when I think about you, I still wish we could have a second chance. But it's life, you don't get second chances at all, and particularly not when it comes to love. That's how it's supposed to be. Maybe some day our paths will cross again and there still will be feelings. Maybe not. I used to see a future for us, we used to joke about how we would name our kids but it felt all so real, all so good. Never in my life have I felt that way. You were my first love. The only one so far. And I don't think many people have actually been through such a strong relationship at such a young age. And we never even were really together.

I was fifteen when I met you and I was a little lost, and I just needed a friends, and indeed, we became friends. Best friends. We spent 2 hours on the phone every single night, pretending to work on our math exam but actually doing nothing of the sort, just talking, having fun. Then things happen, time passed, people came in between. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget our first kiss. Because for the first time in my life I felt accepted, wanted and loved. And because I suddenly realised I was worth feeling like that and I was worth being treated like I was worthy of love, and I'll never thank you enough for it. You really tried your best to pretend you didn't like me in the slightest, that you didn't feel anything for me, but no matter how hard you tried, I've always been able to read you like a book. You could have looked me dead in the eyes and told me you hated me, I wouldn't have believed you. And it was the same the other way around.

You knew I would never be able to unlove you as long as you kept me close. And you played with me, you sure did. I won't forgive you for how you mistreated my heart, for how inconsiderate you were with my feelings. But there was always that light between us, that part of us that made us lift each other higher. Never before you had I ever felt beautiful in anyone else's eyes. And to this day I am yet to find someone who will make me feel the same. You changed my life in so many ways, more thant I could ever admit, because you were there when I needed someone to pick me up. You prevented me from hurting myself and you were here to talk to me when I just needed some random late night chit chat to make me feel like I wasn't totally irrelevant.

Sometimes I wonder if I mattered even half as much to you. I wasn't the first girl in your life. Maybe I was the first one you really loved but I guess we'll never know that. I hope I made a difference in your life and I hope I showed you you deserve better than those girls who like you only based on what you look like. I hope I managed to show you that you, too, were worth being loved, because I'm not sure you were convinced of that before you met me. I knew you better than anybody else knew you and I could hear you smile over the phone. I remember how you used to fake being upset when I told you "I can hear you smile". We made memories, and I don't think they will ever fade. I still shiver sometimes when some guy I meet wears your perfume. And sometimes I catch my mind wandering and thinking about you, not like you think about some kindergarten friend, but like you think about something that really changed you.

It's been 5 years since I met you. It's been almost two years since I've moved on from you, since I've accepted that distance and time got the best of us and that now, we're nothing. But thank you for the impact you had in my life, and most importantly don't forget me. I sure won't forget you, and there always wil be room for you in my heart. I will always have that soft spot you keep for your first love. Because that's what you were. My first love. And that's what you will stay.

Always yours,

Louise

[30 Letters Challenge, Day 6] To a stranger

Dear stranger,

Hi, don't be afraid, come closer, I don't bite. And I love meeting new people, I love getting to know people, I love beginnings, and I love how the first moments in a relationship between two people that have never met are so important. But I'm so bad at first impressions, I swear I really am, so don't judge me too harshly, because I'm really trying my bestEST to seem normal and fine.

We've all been strangers to each other at some point. Besides when it comes to our families of course. But other than that, at some point anyone in your life was a stranger before you met them. What makes them go from stranger to friend, from unknown person to someone you talk to? Is it just seeing people once? I don't think so. I see people in public transports and in the streets every day, and it doesn't make them any less of strangers to me. Is it talking to them once at a party? I'm not so sure. I've met thousands of people and sometimes I even know their names, but they're still strangers in my book. Can you be a strangr to someone who isn't a stranger to you? If I only know you virtually, are you still that "stranger on th internet" TV aand parents warned me about?

I think someone stops being a complete stranger once you share something with them. Whether it is bonding over some silly thing that you like, or just getting to know each other thanks to someone you both now, it's always all about sharing. And I'm not good at sharing. I share things that don't matter instead of sharing what defines me, and I've come to realise that there are so many people who know nothing about me and yet shared something with me and I'm still a stranger to them but they don't realise. I think you cease to be a stranger once you open up to someone and I don't open up easily but I'm good at making people believe I actually did.

I'm working on that though, constantly. I share things but it takes time. It takes time. It takes time. I don't have time. I never have enough time. I'm still a stranger for some people who've known me for months. And they don't even realise, because I share little things that I either make up or that don't matter to me in the slightest. I've changed that though. I am trying to share more, and what I get back in return is always 10 times what I hoped for. I've always been the girl people can tell everything to, but I realised with time that I could share in return too, and that some day I wouldn't be such a stranger to everyone anymore.

So hang around, stranger, hang around, because the time for us not being strangers anymore is about to come. And I want it to be YOU not being a stranger anymore. I want it to be YOU I'm not a stranger to anymore. Do you think we could do that? I think we could. I think we will. Whether you're in my class, or just someone I follow on Twitter, whether you're that guy I often see at the library or that girl I bumped it to while getting something to it at the cafeteria, I'm determined to get to know more people. So I won't be surrounded by strangers anymore.

I probably love you already.

Louise.

[30 Letters Challenge, Day 5] To my dreams

I apologise for the lack of Day 4 I wasn't home oops

Dear dreams,

Once upon a time there was that little girl, dreaming bigger than you could ever imagine. She was thinking all the time. You were her escape. She had that dream of bright lights. Of stage. Of making them all lie. Of making people proud. She had those dreams where she was finally the one people liked. Those dreams where people saw her as something else that the weirdo seating alone reading books and having good grades. Those dreams where she finally felt free.

That little girl grew up and she let people tell her that she wasn't chasing after the right dreams. She let people decide what she should be dreaming about. But the dreams of escape never stopped. She tried chasing this dream in all the wrong ways. It almost killed her you know. She lost her dreams in the process. She lost everything. She was hopeless. Lifeless. Dreamless.

But you're back now. Back in my life. I rebuilt myself and the other day I caught myself dreaming again. I dream of making that difference I've always wanted to make. But probably in another way now. I'm sorry I sucked at following you those past few years. I promise you I'll be right behind you now.

There are many dreams I've already accomplished, I think that's something I really need to realise. I'm 21 and I've played in several musicals, in front of over 1k people. I've been on stage a lot. I've known what loving someone more than yourself felt like. I've succeeded in most of my academic path. I've met amazing people. But I can't settle for that.

I think you, my dreams should be what keeps me going. I've always been very idealistic and honestly I don't se why I should change that. I see no reason why I would stop chasing you. Running after a dream you can't reach is much more beneficial to my happiness than not having any dreams to chase could ever be. So I will be that girl with her head in the clouds and her feet on the ground. And I'll be chasing you. With dedication, passion, and stamina. And I will not give up on you. Not once more.

Don't run too fast, I'm coming for you.

Louise

[30 Letters challenge, Day 3] To my parents

Dear parents,

You brought me in this world, and you brought me up with much love and teaching me so many values and that's something I could never repay you for. You've been the ones to believe in me and to make me believe in myself. I actually think that you made me the person I am today and that's something so important to me, and I don't think I've ever told you that. It's not the kind of things we say, in our family. We don't talk much about that bond, but it doesn't make it any weaker.

I think I was a decent child when I was younger. I think I made you proud. And I'm sorry because I know that somewhere along the way, afterwards, I disappointed you. I'm sorry for all the things I've done wrong and I'm sorry you can't look at me the way you used to. It pains me just as much as it pains you, you know. There are things I can apologise for, there are things I made amends for, and there are things that are broken beyond repair. I guess that's what they call growing up.

We all have our flaws and I believe realising your parents aren't an exception to that rule is one of the hardest lessons in life. But it also helped me understanding my own flaws and becoming a better person. And you'll always be two of the people I look up to,  that is never going to change. Even on the days you piss me off beyond belief. Even on the days when you literally make no effort to listen to me and just stick to what you were saying all along as if you weren't even hearing (that's the one thing you both have in common, stubbornness).

I think throughout all my life I've always seen you as separate entities, even when you were still together. And you are both so different and yo brought so many different things in my life and that gave me richness, that game me power, that gave me strength. In addition to being good parents, you're great human beings and I'm so proud and honoured to be your daughter.

So thank you. Thank you for being there even though I'm sure sometimes you'd rather ignore me. Thank you for supporting me in your own ways. Thank you for trusting me when I needed the most. Thank you for providing me with a shelter and an education for so long. Thank you for teaching me respect and values, among other things. Thank you for giving me a wonderful little sister. Thank you for rebuilding your lives in separated ways. Thank you for existing.

I'm not the best daughter and I don't claim to be, but I promise you I'm trying. I'm trying my best to make you proud. Academically speaking of course, but also as a human being. And sometimes I'm afraid I'm never gonna be good enough, but please note that I'm really trying all I can.

I love you both so much.

Louise.

[30 Letters Challenge: Day 2] To my crush

Dear crush,

You don't exist, and I really wish you did. I love having crushes and I love having someone to think about all day long. I love having someone to stare at as much as humanly possible. I love having someone to focus on besides myself and when I don't I feel empty.

Right now I feel so empty.

Please, don't be too long.

Thanks.

Louise

[30 Letters challenge, Day 1] To my best friend

Dear best friend,

It's our sixth year of knowing each other and I swear they passed in a heartbeat. I still remember who we were, I still have our first pictures. Two short girls. The blonde and the brunette. As different as ice and fire. But complementary, always. I still remember that choir we were in and how we crushed on that same boy and I also remember it was the only moment in the history of ever of us liking the same type of guy because let's admit it, our tastes in guys are pretty different. That's a good thing in a friendship, am I right?

We dressed up together. We partied together. We studied together. We cried together. We laughed together. We danced together. It's a very well known fact that everytime we party together, something crazy happens. It's a very little known fact that what we love the most about parties is what happens when we get home, it's us talking for hours just laying on your bed, us spilling every single little secret we have, without being embarassed to blush since we're in the dark and not judging anyway. You find fun in the smallest things. And I find beauty in the silliest ones. We complete each others and when one is being too pessimistic, the other one is always here to be the optimistic glasses through which she can see the world.

We've been apart, we've been through long distance, we've been through the worst parts of each other's lives. Together always. And that's worth much more than I could ever put into words. You've been my rock and my only support in so many occasions. And you know what's best? We still have a lot of things to live. I think we're gonna have really different lives, but I know we'll always find our way back to each other.

Some day I'll be your maid of honor at your wedding, and you'll be maid of honor at mine, because that's how it should be and how it's supposed to be. How we've always dreamt of it to be.

.

I love your shitty sense of humour your shitty music taste your serious moments and your bubbliness. I love you. Entirely. Even though you claim to be ginger too although you're not. Even though you actually Enjoyed HSM3. Even though you eat cheese. Even though you don't see all the great things in you. Actually, that's all those things that make me love you even more. I'm not good at forevers and happy ever afters and I know sometimes I can be a shitty friend, but we both know our friendship really is one of those that doesn't die. We don't even need to try, no matter where we go, there's always something that reminds us of one another. I see you in so many people. But they're never as amazing as you are. And when things get tough and you're not here, when it's too late for me to call you, I always go through our photos and remind myself of all the good moments together and particularly of the one when you puked in a frying pan because sorry but that was tragically beautiful.

Thank you so much. For existing, putting up with me, staying amazing, being yourself, being so different, teaching me how to sew, trusting me, introducing me to many things, following me in my most random ideas, inviting me over a good amount of times, hugging me, letting me hug you, being chill and cool, making me feel at home when I'm with you.

So here's to us, to our undying love, our bulletproof friendship, our mutual support, and to all that's still to come.

Six years and strong.

I love you so much. ♥

Louise

On that band that will never love me the way I love them

I used to hide them. To pretend like they weren't here and to listen to them secretely. It's not really acceptable to like a bubblegum pop band when you're not even a teenager anymore. It's not really easy for your friends to understand that that band has actually somewhat taken over your life, that you promote them till ungodly hours, that you wake up in the middle of the night to watch livechats, that you freak out when there's good news, that you send them fanmail. I thought I'd never get past this "mildly ashamed" phase. And then I understood that something that made me happy was nothing to be ashamed of.

They arrived in my life at a point where I was in some sort of transition. Everything was changing around me, really quickly, and I was experiencing some serious change myself, and had to deal with some serious unresolved issues. I was getting really caught up in things that shouldn't have mattered so much and I was just really having a hard time. I had been having it hard for a while. And it was not even close to being over. They became my escape. My bit of perfect that made me forget everything around me. They were literally so different from me and it was so strange that I could yet relate to them and see bits of myself in them. And after a rocky year, I started becoming obsessed and interacting with the fandom. I went through the worst year in my life thanks to them. I was all alone and lost in the depth of depression and I wouldn't open up to anyone in real life, because I was ashamed and I didn't want to disappoint anyone. So to your dirty looks and to your judgmental comments when I like something Cimorelli-related on Facebook, my one and only answer will be "They were here when you weren't. When no one was."

Recently I was talking about what I do for them (promotion, the update account, everything...) with a friend I trust, and she told me "I don't know how you do that, they will never know you exist, they'll never love you like you do."And after being stunned for a few seconds, I realise she was perfectly right but that I knew that all along. I mean, it's not like they tricked me into believing they'd love me more if I did that. I started promoting for all the good reasons, because I believe in them and because I want them to reach out, because I believe they deserve it. And of course, they'll never love me as much as I love them, but I'm pretty convinced they do love me, just like they actually do love all their fans. And even if some day they decide to stop the band, and even if they never reach the success I wish for them, and even it all stops all of a sudden, I will NEVER regret what I've done, and how much I've loved them. Because it taught me so much about passion, about dedication, about people, and about myself.

We're so lucky, you know. So lucky for stumbling upon such great and caring girls. They dedicate SO MUCH of their (very rare) free time to talking to us and making us feel loved, it's actually quite unbelievable. And sometimes I get mad, sometimes I yell and voice my opinion loudly, because it genuinely hurts me when I see that in spite of all the efforts they make, some of you still feel unloved. That's the problem with love, it's like a drug, the more you have it, the more you want it. And I confess, I'm addicted to their love, too. But I think we always need to keep in mind how privileged we all are. And whoever is saying, like it has been said recently, that we're all delusional and that they don't care one bit about us, I'd advise them to just take a step back and look at the evidence. Actions have always spoken louder than words and it's not a secret for anyone that they do tweet, DM, Skype, and write letters to fans regularly, if not every day. And I, of all people, can tell you that sometimes just one word can brighten your day, change it radically. And of course they probably don't even realise how much of an impact they have on us, but is that really important? They love us, guys, I promise you they do.

So here's to you, my favorite band, my six californian girls. You will never be able to comprehend how much you matter for me and I think it's better this way. Some day we'll meet and I'll just casually try not to choke you while I hug you. I will try to make you feel through a hug and a few words how thankful I am for your existence. Christina, I think you know what I have to say thank you for. But that's not the only thing. I think you need to be thanked repeteadly for how great of a leader you are, for how dedicated and stubborn (yes it's a quality in my book ok) you are. And for all the things about you that you try to hide but can't, like how kind hearted and caring you are. Kath, I don't think you realise how brighter my world is thanks to your smile. Your poetry keeps inspiring me and you're such a beautiful soul, you don't even get half the credit you deserve for that. I can't wait for the day you get to use my baking pan (and I hope some day you'll cook something for me, but that's because I'm greedy and selfish). Lisa, sweet Lisa, how bright you shine. You know, I really hope you realise FULLY how unbelievable you are. You're talented in every way possible and what you do to make people happy everyday deserves admiration. You DESERVE IT girl, never think otherwise. Amy, little cutie pie, you sharing your experience with us is something I'm so grateful for. Your personality makes me so happy and I can't wait to meet you in person so we can bond over being both short and ocasionally a little too loud oh please may this day come soon. Lauren, darling, you're gonna make them all fall for you and that's not even going to be fair for your competition. Because in addition to your looks, you have the personality, the charisma, you have the stage presence, you go lolo you got the power, go mesmerise them all. Dani, please tell me I'm mistaken and you're not 13 I just can't understand how a thirteen year old can be so talented and beautiful but also so wise. You know, I truly believe you're one VERY special person and just because not everyone can see that yet doesn't mean it's not true. Keep doing your thing, you're doing amazing. I love you all to the point it's barely believable.

Sometimes I just sit back and wonder if I'm ever gonna meet you. Sometimes I just tell myself I'm never going to meet you. Being an international fan is never easy, because really, there's no guarantee you'll ever come, and there's no guarantee that if you do people will actually get a chance to meet you. But I'm willing to live on that hypothesis. Because I know if this day actually happens, if I ever get to hug you all, even if it's just for 10 seconds, I will remember that day forever. I could never repay you. For how better my life has been since you've arrived. I met new, amazing people thanks to you. I learnt many things about myself, and I realised many things about life in general. And you know what's best? I'm not the only one who experienced that, you have that magic power that makes people feel so much better, you have that way to spread love and happiness that is yours and works everytime. So, please, don't ever feel bad if you aren't able to answer anymore. Please don't let those petty tweets that you see everyday get to you. You will never be the kind of people who don't care, and you know it. And deep down, everyone does too.

So I will let them all speak. I will let them criticise every single thing I listen to. I will let them criticise how often I talk about you. I will let them make fun of me for liking a bubblegum pop band. I will keep calm when they tell me you're just one more disney like band whatsoever because I know on the long term you'll prove them wrong. I will let them judge me all they want for you making me happy. I will smile and keep going, promoting, supporting, listening, loving you.

I used to hide them. To pretend like they weren't here and to listen to them secretely. But that's not what I wan't to do anymore. Because I found out thanks to them, that love isn't something to be ashamed of.