365 days ago, and 18 days to go

On April 16th 2013, I managed to get myself out of bed at 5pm and proceeded, after a week of not going outside, to get to my business school in order to get everything ready because I had to Skype with my favourite people. My voice was almost completely gone after a severe cold I never really dealt with, and I was pretty much a mess. Yet, I braided my hair, tried to look decent, and started hoping it could be a good day.

I don't even remember the few hours before we Skyped. I remember the split seconds it took me to accept the call really well. It was hands down the best Skype session of my life and in spite of my being completly stressed out and nervous you made me feel at ease and it was so easy to talk to you. On that very important day, I was so grateful for your existence and I also felt really happy which was a huge improvement because I wasn't really doing well at the time.

On April 16th 2013 I finally decided to write a bucket list, because it gave me hope and made me believe there was a future, and I put "Meeting Cimorelli" on it, thinking it wouldn't happen for another 3 years. I had completely given up on it, to be honest, I never thought I would get to meet them in person. Yet, on a random day of February that still feels a lot like a dream we all found out they would be performing at Digifest UK.

I sacrficed many things to be able to go, but it's all worth it. Eating pasta for a whole month (not really) is totally worth it if in the end I get to meet people I've been loving and supporting for three years. So I've tried not to get my expectations too high, and I've tried not to imagine too much, so I won't be disappointed, but really I think May 4th is going to be one of the most important days of my life.

On April 16th 2013, I managed to get myself out of bed at 5pm and for the first time in forever I felt alive and I felt like it could only go up from here. One year ago was one of the highlights of my year. Thank you for everything ladies, can't wait to hug you till you choke. 18 days, may they come faster than fast.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about a lot of things. And I've also been very angry at quite a lot of people, and in general when I'm angry I just get off the Internet and stop worrying about it. But when it's an important topic and when I happen to have many things to say I found out that I just can't keep my mouth shut. I'm so annoying but you know you love me. Because I don't think I could ever look at myself in the mirror if I let the things I witness happening eveyday happen without saying something.

1 - Mental illnesses are a serious issue, not a trend.

Because I'm honestly so done with people throwing words like they mean nothing. "I'm so depressed." "kill yourself" "im gonna kms" "I just ate 5 pizza slices pretty sure i have bulimia". I don't see where you got the idea where this was ever fun or cool, but it really isn't. I'm quite quite sure you wouldn't be like "lol got a cogh probably throat cancer" ever, and I don't think mental illnesses should be joked about either. You don't joke about something that ruins people's lives, that's common curtesy, or just basic education, call it whatever you like. Those illnesses are not to be overooked and sufferers deserve treatment. It's not really fnu to be under a medication that makes you feel like you have no control over your brain anymore. Trust me. So don't pretend to have those illnesses because truth is I don't know anyone who would wish it upon their worst enemy.

2 - Uninvite me from your pity party.

If you want to dwell on your sadness and get all the possible attention from it, I am not going to condone that. Yes, depression is a serious issue, no plastering it on every social media you have isn't gonna help you go out of it. Chances are it's only going to push you further down. You publicly complain every day, so of course you get attention and you then realise you're addicted to the feeling of having people who care and you just keep getting sadder every time a bit of the attention goes away and consequently display this sadness and there we go again, vicious circle. Get real help, instead of seeking for attention online by means that are more than often questionable. And guess what, spending your day reading depressing quotes isn't gonna be helping at all, shocker.

3 - There is a difference between raising awareness and triggering.

Yes, it is very important to speak about how you feel and to know it's ok to feel whatever it is you're feeing, but NO IT IS NOT OK TO POST PICTURES THAT COULD TRIGGER OTHERS. Of course you only see it as a testimony of that illness that is such an important part of your life. Guess what? Eventually you're gonna get out of it, you're gonna be better, and you'll look back and wonder why you ever posted online a picture of your butchered arms. Because first of all yes, it could trigger people who self harm to harm themselves more, give them ideas, makes them relapse. But don't you see the WORST consequence? Imagine someone who has never been exposed to self harm in any way. You all present it as a way to display youur inner turmoil as if you were some kind of tortred poet and you're giving people ideas on how to hurt themselves. Don't you dare tell me even half of the people who self harm/ suffer from depression/ have an eating disorder would have one had they not been exposed to it through a media of some sort. Don't you dare. Mental illnesses are different from other illnesses because they happen in yor brain and that your brain is a mysterious place. Be responsible. Don't put your curse on someone else. Get help and stop encouraging each others into carrying on deadly habits. Most of those illnesses are self-constructed. That means you're your own problem, but also your own solution.

4 - Sadness isn't great.

I can't even count how many times I've seen posts that glorify sadness as if it were some kind of quality some people had that made them able to understand things on a deeper level. This is all kind of wrong. No one is entirely sad or entirely happy, for life is a balance between happy and sad moments (one cannot exist without the other). So keep your "no one understands me" to yourself, because you honestly just say that without thinking. You seme to constantly complain that people don't see how sad you are. Well maybe you don't seee how sad they get at some points either, have you thought about that? We all are sad, and we all are happy. We all have gonee through rough patches, difficult experiences and things that left their mark on us. So basically pretty much everyone can at least partly understand not what you're going through but what you're feeling. So don't push people away just for the sake of staying in your sad bubble that you find some kind of comfort in. Communicate instead of monologuing. You will find a way out.

If you ever need help there are going to be people here for you. Speak out. Express yourselves. Don't dwell on your own pain because only YOU can actually do something productive about it. I believe in you but if you don't let yourselve believe in you I doubt that's gonna work.

My New Year's Resolutions. 2014, 14 resolutions.

1- Stabilizing my weight to my UGW.
2- Fastfood: not more than once a month. Because E N O U G H.
3- Be at peace with myself and stop worrying for nothing, know my own worth.
4- Spend more time in real life and less time online.
5- Send the girls their short stories through fanmail ideally before summer.
6- Evacuate the toxic people from my life.
7- Go see a therapist and stick to it.
8- Spare money for the UK. 
9- Nail both my semesters and get that degree with honors.
10- Get my driver's license before leaving for England.
11- Learn something new and exciting.
12- Make a decision about business school. Going back or not? So far it's a not, but it takes nerves to stick to it and convince everyone.
13- Be grateful.
14- That one is secret because not really age appropriate or any of people's business.

[30 Letters Challenge, Day 7] To My Ex-love

Dear You,

It's been over a year since we last exchanged a word and telling you that I don't miss you at all would be a gigantic lie. I miss everything we were, everything we had, everything we used to do. I miss who you are, because I need someone like that in my life. And maybe some days when you're alone, laying on your bed, unable to sleep, you remember me, and you wonder how we ever drifted apart, how we ever lost that bond that made us so strong. Maybe you're in denial, maybe you don't want to admit to yourself that what we had was something really special. We were a movie, honey, we were beautiful. But like all beautiful things, what we had was also really painful and sometimes when I look back I'm somehow glad it all is over because as much as you made me feel so good and so happy at times you also made me miserable at some points, and I'm pretty sure you feel the same about me.

We were so young, and to this day I'm still sure that had we met later on in our lives we woud have had somethng special that would have lasted. But maybe it was fate, call it whatever you like, we were just destined to be a tragedy and when I think about you, I still wish we could have a second chance. But it's life, you don't get second chances at all, and particularly not when it comes to love. That's how it's supposed to be. Maybe some day our paths will cross again and there still will be feelings. Maybe not. I used to see a future for us, we used to joke about how we would name our kids but it felt all so real, all so good. Never in my life have I felt that way. You were my first love. The only one so far. And I don't think many people have actually been through such a strong relationship at such a young age. And we never even were really together.

I was fifteen when I met you and I was a little lost, and I just needed a friends, and indeed, we became friends. Best friends. We spent 2 hours on the phone every single night, pretending to work on our math exam but actually doing nothing of the sort, just talking, having fun. Then things happen, time passed, people came in between. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget our first kiss. Because for the first time in my life I felt accepted, wanted and loved. And because I suddenly realised I was worth feeling like that and I was worth being treated like I was worthy of love, and I'll never thank you enough for it. You really tried your best to pretend you didn't like me in the slightest, that you didn't feel anything for me, but no matter how hard you tried, I've always been able to read you like a book. You could have looked me dead in the eyes and told me you hated me, I wouldn't have believed you. And it was the same the other way around.

You knew I would never be able to unlove you as long as you kept me close. And you played with me, you sure did. I won't forgive you for how you mistreated my heart, for how inconsiderate you were with my feelings. But there was always that light between us, that part of us that made us lift each other higher. Never before you had I ever felt beautiful in anyone else's eyes. And to this day I am yet to find someone who will make me feel the same. You changed my life in so many ways, more thant I could ever admit, because you were there when I needed someone to pick me up. You prevented me from hurting myself and you were here to talk to me when I just needed some random late night chit chat to make me feel like I wasn't totally irrelevant.

Sometimes I wonder if I mattered even half as much to you. I wasn't the first girl in your life. Maybe I was the first one you really loved but I guess we'll never know that. I hope I made a difference in your life and I hope I showed you you deserve better than those girls who like you only based on what you look like. I hope I managed to show you that you, too, were worth being loved, because I'm not sure you were convinced of that before you met me. I knew you better than anybody else knew you and I could hear you smile over the phone. I remember how you used to fake being upset when I told you "I can hear you smile". We made memories, and I don't think they will ever fade. I still shiver sometimes when some guy I meet wears your perfume. And sometimes I catch my mind wandering and thinking about you, not like you think about some kindergarten friend, but like you think about something that really changed you.

It's been 5 years since I met you. It's been almost two years since I've moved on from you, since I've accepted that distance and time got the best of us and that now, we're nothing. But thank you for the impact you had in my life, and most importantly don't forget me. I sure won't forget you, and there always wil be room for you in my heart. I will always have that soft spot you keep for your first love. Because that's what you were. My first love. And that's what you will stay.

Always yours,

Louise

[30 Letters Challenge, Day 6] To a stranger

Dear stranger,

Hi, don't be afraid, come closer, I don't bite. And I love meeting new people, I love getting to know people, I love beginnings, and I love how the first moments in a relationship between two people that have never met are so important. But I'm so bad at first impressions, I swear I really am, so don't judge me too harshly, because I'm really trying my bestEST to seem normal and fine.

We've all been strangers to each other at some point. Besides when it comes to our families of course. But other than that, at some point anyone in your life was a stranger before you met them. What makes them go from stranger to friend, from unknown person to someone you talk to? Is it just seeing people once? I don't think so. I see people in public transports and in the streets every day, and it doesn't make them any less of strangers to me. Is it talking to them once at a party? I'm not so sure. I've met thousands of people and sometimes I even know their names, but they're still strangers in my book. Can you be a strangr to someone who isn't a stranger to you? If I only know you virtually, are you still that "stranger on th internet" TV aand parents warned me about?

I think someone stops being a complete stranger once you share something with them. Whether it is bonding over some silly thing that you like, or just getting to know each other thanks to someone you both now, it's always all about sharing. And I'm not good at sharing. I share things that don't matter instead of sharing what defines me, and I've come to realise that there are so many people who know nothing about me and yet shared something with me and I'm still a stranger to them but they don't realise. I think you cease to be a stranger once you open up to someone and I don't open up easily but I'm good at making people believe I actually did.

I'm working on that though, constantly. I share things but it takes time. It takes time. It takes time. I don't have time. I never have enough time. I'm still a stranger for some people who've known me for months. And they don't even realise, because I share little things that I either make up or that don't matter to me in the slightest. I've changed that though. I am trying to share more, and what I get back in return is always 10 times what I hoped for. I've always been the girl people can tell everything to, but I realised with time that I could share in return too, and that some day I wouldn't be such a stranger to everyone anymore.

So hang around, stranger, hang around, because the time for us not being strangers anymore is about to come. And I want it to be YOU not being a stranger anymore. I want it to be YOU I'm not a stranger to anymore. Do you think we could do that? I think we could. I think we will. Whether you're in my class, or just someone I follow on Twitter, whether you're that guy I often see at the library or that girl I bumped it to while getting something to it at the cafeteria, I'm determined to get to know more people. So I won't be surrounded by strangers anymore.

I probably love you already.

Louise.

[30 Letters Challenge, Day 5] To my dreams

I apologise for the lack of Day 4 I wasn't home oops

Dear dreams,

Once upon a time there was that little girl, dreaming bigger than you could ever imagine. She was thinking all the time. You were her escape. She had that dream of bright lights. Of stage. Of making them all lie. Of making people proud. She had those dreams where she was finally the one people liked. Those dreams where people saw her as something else that the weirdo seating alone reading books and having good grades. Those dreams where she finally felt free.

That little girl grew up and she let people tell her that she wasn't chasing after the right dreams. She let people decide what she should be dreaming about. But the dreams of escape never stopped. She tried chasing this dream in all the wrong ways. It almost killed her you know. She lost her dreams in the process. She lost everything. She was hopeless. Lifeless. Dreamless.

But you're back now. Back in my life. I rebuilt myself and the other day I caught myself dreaming again. I dream of making that difference I've always wanted to make. But probably in another way now. I'm sorry I sucked at following you those past few years. I promise you I'll be right behind you now.

There are many dreams I've already accomplished, I think that's something I really need to realise. I'm 21 and I've played in several musicals, in front of over 1k people. I've been on stage a lot. I've known what loving someone more than yourself felt like. I've succeeded in most of my academic path. I've met amazing people. But I can't settle for that.

I think you, my dreams should be what keeps me going. I've always been very idealistic and honestly I don't se why I should change that. I see no reason why I would stop chasing you. Running after a dream you can't reach is much more beneficial to my happiness than not having any dreams to chase could ever be. So I will be that girl with her head in the clouds and her feet on the ground. And I'll be chasing you. With dedication, passion, and stamina. And I will not give up on you. Not once more.

Don't run too fast, I'm coming for you.

Louise

[30 Letters challenge, Day 3] To my parents

Dear parents,

You brought me in this world, and you brought me up with much love and teaching me so many values and that's something I could never repay you for. You've been the ones to believe in me and to make me believe in myself. I actually think that you made me the person I am today and that's something so important to me, and I don't think I've ever told you that. It's not the kind of things we say, in our family. We don't talk much about that bond, but it doesn't make it any weaker.

I think I was a decent child when I was younger. I think I made you proud. And I'm sorry because I know that somewhere along the way, afterwards, I disappointed you. I'm sorry for all the things I've done wrong and I'm sorry you can't look at me the way you used to. It pains me just as much as it pains you, you know. There are things I can apologise for, there are things I made amends for, and there are things that are broken beyond repair. I guess that's what they call growing up.

We all have our flaws and I believe realising your parents aren't an exception to that rule is one of the hardest lessons in life. But it also helped me understanding my own flaws and becoming a better person. And you'll always be two of the people I look up to,  that is never going to change. Even on the days you piss me off beyond belief. Even on the days when you literally make no effort to listen to me and just stick to what you were saying all along as if you weren't even hearing (that's the one thing you both have in common, stubbornness).

I think throughout all my life I've always seen you as separate entities, even when you were still together. And you are both so different and yo brought so many different things in my life and that gave me richness, that game me power, that gave me strength. In addition to being good parents, you're great human beings and I'm so proud and honoured to be your daughter.

So thank you. Thank you for being there even though I'm sure sometimes you'd rather ignore me. Thank you for supporting me in your own ways. Thank you for trusting me when I needed the most. Thank you for providing me with a shelter and an education for so long. Thank you for teaching me respect and values, among other things. Thank you for giving me a wonderful little sister. Thank you for rebuilding your lives in separated ways. Thank you for existing.

I'm not the best daughter and I don't claim to be, but I promise you I'm trying. I'm trying my best to make you proud. Academically speaking of course, but also as a human being. And sometimes I'm afraid I'm never gonna be good enough, but please note that I'm really trying all I can.

I love you both so much.

Louise.